Tag Archives: love

Old Love Letters Revisited

15 Apr

The dark, angst ridden stuff I wrote, back then, oh god, should I be embarrassed…..tonight is my last night in my current house, and so, all the old odds and ends and hidden boxes of souvenirs were finally pulled out from under the bed.  And there it was, ‘the memories box’ – all dusty and ragged looking but still able to cast a silent spell of nostalgia over me. I hunched up to the wall and lifted the lid. Ryder Cup passes, Electric Picnic passes (the less sunny Irish attempt at Coachella) and other random cinema tickets, birthday cards and letters to loved ones when I lived in France. And then, there they were – letters and late night poetry to ‘The Boy’.

Granted, my love letters were largely unrequited, despite being acknowledged, but they never brought the turnaround I was hoping for. They were mostly fraught with angst and severe melancholy and on re-reading them tonight , I actually wonder if they could be termed as ‘love letters’ at all. Foolish, awful, creative, god who knows….

So, I wanted to share the last 3 verses of a 14 verse poem I wrote for ‘The Boy’ — I have never shown these to anyone, eeekkk….they was written in the depths of despair after I found him with his new love.

Late at night, I talk to you, to let my soul find sleep

You don’t hear, you can’t listen, you sleep in blissful peace

Words true, feelings strong, I’ve lost the man I love

But things have changed and time moves on, but still the heart wants things

To protect you from the storm of life, to dry your tears of pain

To hold your dreams and fly with them, to make you smile for you

To shelter you when times get tough, to feed your hungry thoughts

To cover you with a blanket of love and hide you from those who hurt

You were the only voice I wanted, when darkness crept its way in

The light had dimmed, the sail had lapsed, the sun no longer shone

Dark thoughts lay on my heart, I clung to the only light

In a sky washed with the darkest blue, you were the only star that shone.

NMG.C

Image: Zazzle.com

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of love and limerence…the end?

3 Apr

Four years…..it’s a long time to allow yourself to be consumed by some-one and to allow them to define you as a person. The boy never left the front of my mind, even for a day – always there, knocking at my thoughts. Was he ok? Did he think about me? When would I see him again? Someone told me that no-one can have a hold over you unless you allow it to happen. For months, I was unable to reconcile that statement, despite knowing it as probably true – yet the boy had such a hold over me, my thoughts and my actions and no matter how hard I tried to make it stop, it wouldn’t.

Was I just hopelessly in love with him or was it this limerence I have been recently reading about? In the past few months, the fear of him not being around anymore has begun to subside a little. The ‘need’ to see him is less strong and he invades my thoughts less often. And after four years of constant misery, these little steps are very welcome changes. I no longer live in fear of the day I will find out he is getting married or having a child with someone else.

I am not sure where these changes have stemmed from – perhaps writing my book, which deals a lot with the boy and my frustrated attempts to get over him. Maybe writing was a form of self-therapy? But I think it’s mostly to do with a book I read on reincarnation, strangely enough. Our relationship was two-sided, we had both acknowledged the silver thread between us for many years – it was just the boy was much more capable of dealing with it than I was. He’s a good person and maybe the idea that I have known him in previous lives and that we will meet him again in other lives allowed me lose the fear that he would disappear forever. All I know is that reading the reincarnation book was the only thing I read or did over four years that effected any type of positive change concerning the boy situation.

I am not sure he will ever truly leave me but at least for now, my feelings for him no longer control me.

NMG.C

of love and limerence

19 Mar

I had never even heard the word Limerence until a few months ago. When I finally stumbled across it I almost wept. There was actually a word for how I felt. Thank you, psychologist Dorothy Tennov. The words that jumped out at me most were ‘obsessive, intrusive thinking’  and that fact that my sense of self was defined in terms of how the man I wanted felt about me. It swung from dizzying height of joy when he wanted me around, to caustic, heart-crushing despair when I was rejected. And the worst thing was – I felt as though I had absolutely zero control as to how I felt and acted and nothing I tried to stop it worked. And this went on for four years.

Why couldn’t I stop it? I wished nothing more than anything to forget about him, to Ctrl-Alt-Delete him from my brain. My feelings towards him paralyzed me on a daily basis. Had I well and truly gone insane?  Every day was a battle not to contact him. So many things reminded me of him and brought an avalanche of memories  and emotions. I would find myself  in tears at the sight of a sports ground of the sport he played; stopped dead in my tracks if I heard a song by his favorite band and was fraught with distress if I found out he had met another ‘somebody new’.

It was so painful and persistent. I wished with all my might that it would go away and I hated myself every minute for feeling so consumed by him. Why didn’t my brain work the way it was supposed to? Why was it so impossible to forget about him? Was I addicted to him, was I obsessed? None of this sounded like me but the writing was on the wall and it left me distraught.

One minute my feelings would be reciprocated and it would give me hope. Not long afterwards, things would become uncertain and the crazy cycle would begin again. I was, as U2 put it, ‘running to stand still’. Every word was analyzed and in most cases this happened involuntarily – my mind took on a life of its own with regards the boy, refusing to listen to me when I tried to stop it going over and over things, again and again.

I felt completely hopeless and at a loss as it what to do. By year three, I actually considered electro-shock therapy to expel him from my thoughts. Things had gotten that bad. I was miserable, trapped in a state of being by which the feelings of another person toward me, defined my sense of self. I was in a constant state of anxiety and melancholy.

When and how would it end?

NMG.C

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