Tag Archives: decisions

The Lesser of Two Evils

12 Jun

Just when things are going as swimmingly as they could, along comes a big shark to scare you out of the water! Well, a couple of sharks actually. Friday evening I did the now-standard reaction of jumping up from my writing desk, running out into the garden and pacing backwards and forwards for half an hour, fretting like crazy. Only this time it wasn’t about my writing. It was about that dear old existence called Life and trying to figure out which is the lesser of two evils.

2012 was always going to be a tough year financially but, I hoped, a constructive year personally. This is the year of introspection;  I finally accepted that I needed to take ‘time-out’ so as I could deconstruct myself, try to understand the fears that paralyze me psychologically and make practical progress in fixing me inside so as I could try to secure a better future for myself on the outside. It took me 3 years of living in darkness to finally realize that I could no longer pursue the normal pace of life while my head was in a dizzy, swirling cloud of disillusion, depression,  misery and lost-ness. I had to get off the merry-go-round and exit stage-left from the rat race before I hurt myself and the people I cared about.

Wouldn’t I love to spend 6 months in a beautiful paradise retreat figuring out the meaning of my life and everything that fills it – emotionally, psychologically and philosophically. My only chance of securing the funds for something like this would involve a bank and a pair of stockings over my head and so, after years of struggle I have had embark on this path of self-discovery while flat broke and trying to keep my head about water.

Friday’s reaction was in the face of the circling sharks ; the bank, the solicitors, the phone company, the gas company, the insurance company, the landlord (the brick-layer and the candle-stick maker…) – would they understand my human quest and what I was trying to do? In the garden, I asked myself if I should ‘cop-on’, give up this dream of self-discovery  and launch myself back into ‘real-life’ – back to the scramble, the confusion and the mental exhaustion where at least money/survival was more secure and I could keep the sharks at arms length. I have thought of little else in 3 days.

It’s a classic case of deciding which is the lesser of two (perhaps not-so-evil) evils:- broke and struggling with meeting the practicalities of life, while trying to decipher my life and mind OR being some-what financially secure while dealing with a tormented psyche?

There must be a balance?

NMG.C

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Ten steps back…

27 Mar

So there I was – things were coming together, I was focused and determined. The good days had begun to out number the bad, there was a shine, a glow a twinkle. And then, all it took was one little thing to turn everything on its head again. Things became blurry like they used to be, too many roads and not enough accursedness to begin making new decisions. I feel like I’ve gone ten steps back in the last week.

‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket’ my mother used to say. But I had a vision, and I was excited about it, powering ahead to make it all happen. ‘It’s only an obstacle’ I’ve been repeating to myself over the past few days, but now everything feels aimless again. I am struggling to write, to stay focused and I’ve stopped reading – all the things that kept my mind from wandering into over-thinking and over analyzing territory. I was sure my new-found sense of determination and clarity, focus and strength would follow thorough.

Perhaps it’s a dip, a temporary defeat – another one in a very long line of temporary defeats, that could well be construed as failure if one was inclined to think that way. Soldering on used to be a daily past time, and for a while there, it played second fiddle to my new-found focus and determination.

Where to find the strength to return to that bright sunny place where things looked good? I never really liked the dark.

NMG.C

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