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The Lesser of Two Evils

12 Jun

Just when things are going as swimmingly as they could, along comes a big shark to scare you out of the water! Well, a couple of sharks actually. Friday evening I did the now-standard reaction of jumping up from my writing desk, running out into the garden and pacing backwards and forwards for half an hour, fretting like crazy. Only this time it wasn’t about my writing. It was about that dear old existence called Life and trying to figure out which is the lesser of two evils.

2012 was always going to be a tough year financially but, I hoped, a constructive year personally. This is the year of introspection;  I finally accepted that I needed to take ‘time-out’ so as I could deconstruct myself, try to understand the fears that paralyze me psychologically and make practical progress in fixing me inside so as I could try to secure a better future for myself on the outside. It took me 3 years of living in darkness to finally realize that I could no longer pursue the normal pace of life while my head was in a dizzy, swirling cloud of disillusion, depression,  misery and lost-ness. I had to get off the merry-go-round and exit stage-left from the rat race before I hurt myself and the people I cared about.

Wouldn’t I love to spend 6 months in a beautiful paradise retreat figuring out the meaning of my life and everything that fills it – emotionally, psychologically and philosophically. My only chance of securing the funds for something like this would involve a bank and a pair of stockings over my head and so, after years of struggle I have had embark on this path of self-discovery while flat broke and trying to keep my head about water.

Friday’s reaction was in the face of the circling sharks ; the bank, the solicitors, the phone company, the gas company, the insurance company, the landlord (the brick-layer and the candle-stick maker…) – would they understand my human quest and what I was trying to do? In the garden, I asked myself if I should ‘cop-on’, give up this dream of self-discovery  and launch myself back into ‘real-life’ – back to the scramble, the confusion and the mental exhaustion where at least money/survival was more secure and I could keep the sharks at arms length. I have thought of little else in 3 days.

It’s a classic case of deciding which is the lesser of two (perhaps not-so-evil) evils:- broke and struggling with meeting the practicalities of life, while trying to decipher my life and mind OR being some-what financially secure while dealing with a tormented psyche?

There must be a balance?


Tell Me About Yourself Award, Yahey!!

22 May

Last week, mid my worst writing week ever, the lovely MsKatyKins  nominated me for the ‘Tell me about Yourself  Award’. Now, MsKatyKins knows a thing or two about writing and not just one genre at that, she’s the type of lady who has cast a wide net over the sea of creative writing from the Scottish Outer Hebrides. I like this girls style!

When I started my blog in January 2012, I had no idea what to expect, no idea if anyone would read what I wrote or even be able to find it. Would I just be talking (and writing) into a room full of people who were also all talking (and writing)?

By my experience has been so different – I’ve found bloggers who have inspired me, bloggers who offered carefully thought out words of advise and words of encouragement. I like it here guys!!!

Thanks to everyone who has read my blogs are here are five things about me, followed by the five bloggers I would like to get to know better.

5 things about me:

1. I spent almost 4 years living in New York City and I still miss it terribly. It was a long time ago but I felt such an affinity with the place, that  I really hope some day I will be able to live there again.

2. My biggest food weakness is cheese. At one point I thought I was addicted and now have a self-imposed ban on myself with regards allowing it into my fridge. I cannot stop eating it once I start. My favorite is the unpasteurized French Camembert from Normandy. YUM!

3. I am hoping to start a Masters in Psychology next year, finances permitting.

4. I was once fluent in French and although I can still speak it now, I long for the days when I used to dream in the language.

5. I eat my ice-cream with a fork.

Bloggers I’d like to to get to know better:

Rocking Closet  – I love this lady’s ‘Song of the Day posts’, where she collates cool fashion pieces inspired from songs. I love her taste in music too!

Jilanne Hoffman – Jilanne has given me some very sound advice on approaches to the editing phase of my book – she knows her stuff!

Aphotic Ink – A very busy blogger who still finds time to write interesting (and very witty) posts about writing, books, movies and owww, ghosts!!

Rediscovering a Stolen Soul – I nominated this blogger before but I am inspired to nominate her again as I think she is as brave and honest that any person should aspire to be. Please check out her blog.

I only have 4 – I hope that’s not cheating!

Thanks again to MsKatyKins for the nomination and happy blogging 🙂


If I were a piece of classical music, I think I would be this

6 May

One of my most favorite pieces ever composed and one which always makes me both melancholy yet in awe at how classical music evokes such emotion.


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