of love and limerence…the end?

3 Apr

Four years…..it’s a long time to allow yourself to be consumed by some-one and to allow them to define you as a person. The boy never left the front of my mind, even for a day – always there, knocking at my thoughts. Was he ok? Did he think about me? When would I see him again? Someone told me that no-one can have a hold over you unless you allow it to happen. For months, I was unable to reconcile that statement, despite knowing it as probably true – yet the boy had such a hold over me, my thoughts and my actions and no matter how hard I tried to make it stop, it wouldn’t.

Was I just hopelessly in love with him or was it this limerence I have been recently reading about? In the past few months, the fear of him not being around anymore has begun to subside a little. The ‘need’ to see him is less strong and he invades my thoughts less often. And after four years of constant misery, these little steps are very welcome changes. I no longer live in fear of the day I will find out he is getting married or having a child with someone else.

I am not sure where these changes have stemmed from – perhaps writing my book, which deals a lot with the boy and my frustrated attempts to get over him. Maybe writing was a form of self-therapy? But I think it’s mostly to do with a book I read on reincarnation, strangely enough. Our relationship was two-sided, we had both acknowledged the silver thread between us for many years – it was just the boy was much more capable of dealing with it than I was. He’s a good person and maybe the idea that I have known him in previous lives and that we will meet him again in other lives allowed me lose the fear that he would disappear forever. All I know is that reading the reincarnation book was the only thing I read or did over four years that effected any type of positive change concerning the boy situation.

I am not sure he will ever truly leave me but at least for now, my feelings for him no longer control me.


4 Responses to “of love and limerence…the end?”

  1. Csaba Zalezsak April 3, 2012 at 9:33 pm #

    Any expression is a form of therapy including writing. It helps us become more self-aware. I read a few great books in the past 2 years that have had more positive influence in my life than every book combined before it. You’re never alone in the things you experience in life, and by sharing your story with others you help them deal with the same situations they also go through.

  2. mskatykins April 3, 2012 at 10:24 pm #

    I hope writing about this does continue to be cathartic and to give you strength. It sounds a bit like my first novel. I’ve only attempted to send it out to publishers/agents a couple of times. I’m too close to it. It’s too much about me and about trying to face up to a period in my life that I’m not proud of and that has become completely intangible to me. Mine focuses on a relationship that I often wonder if it was even real at all (which is crazy!).

    I’m glad you’re finding the closure that you require and I hope you continue to move in this positive direction. I wish you lots of luck with your writing, hope it’ll be on the book shop shelves soon! πŸ™‚

    • What's it All About and Other Stories April 5, 2012 at 11:50 am #

      Thanks for your comment. I honestly know what you mean when you say you’ve read back on some of what you have written and wonder if it actually even happened – in ways I felt like I was readying about someone else, it was all so surreal. Then a friend said to me that, given time, they will be just words on a page.

      I hope that you get to pursue the publication of your book, when the time is right for you – it might help other people put their experiences into perspective, knowing that other people have gone through the same thing. That helps me a lot – knowing that I wasn’t the only person in the world to go through such a soul destroying phase over another person.

      Best of luck πŸ™‚

      • mskatykins April 5, 2012 at 9:10 pm #

        Thank you very much for the encouragement, I really appreciate that. πŸ™‚

        I think it is really good writing about these things, even if it goes no further than yourself, you know? If it can help to make sense of a situation then that’s great. I won’t give up on it, it took a year to write and I’m pleased with what I accomplished and even more chuffed that I got back into writing. Thanks – good luck to you too! πŸ™‚

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: