I have now morphed into ‘Doubting Thomasina’ with regards to writing my first novel. I knew that this would happen at some stage but I hoped I would cross the ‘first draft completed’ stage before doubt’s terrible onset. I now fear that opening a chapter written weeks ago will spiral me into a panic when I realize how truly awful and juvenile it reads. I wonder will I be able to finish the first draft with my creative confidence now so low ?
It was too good to be true – I hurtled away for weeks and weeks, writing solidly every day. Then late last week, the rhythm of my work changed – words no longer flowed as smoothly and my ideas had become less colourful. Paragraph structure became clunky and sentences became less lyrical. Had I used the same words too many times; was my phraseology being repeated and did my characters have enough individual characteristics to make them come alive?
I had hoped that I would encounter this crippling doubt after my first draft was completed – perhaps when I had settled into the first editing stage? Alas not! Now I am doubting all that I have already written, all that I still need to write complete my first draft and all that I will need to rewrite many, many times before it is even close to being where I want it to be.
Creative confidence appears to be an elusive disposition – where for art thou ‘Thomasina the Believer’, I hope that you show up soon!